You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
