I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
