nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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