Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
