apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
