You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
