New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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