I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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