Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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