i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
