# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
