Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
We need a shit load of segways right now
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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