You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
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I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
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I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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