mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
