he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
