i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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