every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
