omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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