When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
that may or may not have been my penis.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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