I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
