I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
