I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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