Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
