apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
