I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
