does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
