Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
