You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
