you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
this is an emotional support booty call
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
