I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
