At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My vagina is officially offended.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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