she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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