Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Randomize
