just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
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Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
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I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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