pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
