I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
