wat bout pragnant strippers??
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
My liver just had a heart attack.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
