Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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