just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
