the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
