1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
