Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
