The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
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we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
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I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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