I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Randomize