By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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