i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
