my mouth tastes like poor choices
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
