he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
