she woke up with a sticky ear
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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