I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
