I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
