I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
