she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
