allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
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I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
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He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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