just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
