he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
